Monday, October 18, 2010

How to destroy your life (for noobs)

So you really wanna destroy your life, right? I mean, you're obviously too much of a pussy to kill yourself, so you might as well just do the whole horrible person thing, right? I know what you're thinking, though. That dope needle is looking a little extreme... and I can tell you why! See, its a progressive thing. It may seem extreme now, but I have a little guide for ya here that'll get you from Student/Worker/Basement Dweller to junkie in less than a week! 

I've been informed that you can join the military and do all this as well to fuck yourself over more.

    1. Start Smoking Pot
                If you know me, theres a good chance you already do this. Now a lot of people deny that pot is a gateway drug because it doesn't actually make you want to do drugs. I'm here to tell you this is a lie. It is essential that you start with one of these gateway drugs. Alcohol works just as well. In reality, anything that fucks up your judgement and exposes you to the drug scene will pretty much do it for you. 

   2. Start drinking every day
           If you wake up in the morning and don't feel like shit, you're doing something wrong. That'll come easier as you get further into the lifestyle, but for now just focus on getting to the point, between pot and alcohol where you can not get yourself out of bed before 10am. I mean even if your house is on fire.

  3. Start doing some pills
           Eventually, one day while you're drunk and high and exposing yourself to them drug-doing and drug-dealing folk, you'll come across some pills. Now for now you're going to want to focus on benzodiazepines, like xanax, klonopin, valium, etc. Keep drinking, of course. The mixture of benzos and alcohol will make you feel like king fucking shit and open your mind to junkifying yourself up even more.

 4. Switch to opiates
         A lot of time the benzos will be harder to get because all the real junkies like the opiates so they flow like the ocean. Its pretty essential that you stick with the benzos and booze though, so that you'll be open to eating the more hardcore opiates. Start off with some percocets. Eat them every day. One or two a day at first. You'll slowly build a tolerance and learn that you need them to function. Once you need them to function, you're ready to...

  5. Contact those old friends
       Who out there doesn't remember at least one person from high school or college or whatever who got all fucked on dope or meth or something? Well, hit 'em up. If you don't have any, you'll have to mingle with your new opiate-doing friends until you run into someone. Anyway, after being around a dope fiend a few times, having already done some sort of benzo and fiending for your opiates, you'll realize... these people do heroin. Many people bitch out here. Man the fuck up and snort that shit, you'll love it. Now you have your dope connection, congrats. The final step is...

6. Buy some fucking works!
      Walgreens and similar pharmacy chains sell insulin needles, aka dope needles aka works. Buy some. Mix your dope in a water bottle cap with a little bit of water. Get a cotton swab or a cigarette filter or whatever and draw the dope through the needle through your cotton. Pick a vein, shoot, and cry.

Congratulations, you're now hooked on heroin!

1 comment:

  1. Awesome guide mate! I've skipped step 2, and went from 1-4 and to a number that isn't even on there, probably would be around 2-3, creative highs.